Coping With Grief & Loss
EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY
Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience.
How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style,
your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving
process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or
hurried – and
there is no
“normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to
feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in
years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with
yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.
MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT GRIEF
MYTH: The pain
will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from
surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is
necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
MYTH: It’s
important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal
reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need
to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front.
Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
MYTH: If you
don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but
it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just
as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
MYTH: Grief
should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving.
How long it takes can differ from person to person.
ARE THERE STAGES OF GRIEF?
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what
became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief
were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness.
The five stages
of grief:
- Denial: “This can’t be
happening to me.”
- Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
- Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and
in return I will ____.”
- Depression: “I’m too sad to do
anything.”
- Acceptance: “I’m at peace with
what happened.”
If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a
loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll
heal in time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these
stages – and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to
heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through
any of these stages. And if you
do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them
in a neat, sequential order, so don’t
worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage
you’re supposed to be in.
Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a
rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before
her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief, “They were never
meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to
loss that many people have, but there is not
a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our
grieving is as individual as our lives.”
Grief is a roller
coaster, not a series of stages.
It is best not to think of grief as a series of stages.
Rather, we might think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups
and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be
rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult
periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss.
Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding
or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.
We need time to adjust to the
“new” normal, for it will never be the same, we will not return to
“normal.”
COMMON SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF
While loss affects people in different ways, many people experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.
- Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it
can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing
that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has
died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know
they’re gone.
·
- Sadness – Profound sadness is
probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have
feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry
a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
·
- Guilt – You may regret or feel
guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty
about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a
long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing
something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have
done.
·
- Anger – Even if the loss was
nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved
one, you may be angry at yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who
died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the
injustice that was done to you.
·
- Fear – A significant loss can
trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or
insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger
fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the
responsibilities you now face alone.
·
- Physical symptoms – We often think of grief
as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems,
including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches
and pains, and insomnia.
HOW CAN I TELL IF I AM GRIEVING WELL AND HEALING?
(This is often an 18-24 month process)
1. Sense of release and beginning
to live life.
2. Ability to treasure memories and
stop thinking of loss at will.
3. Renewal of energy.
4. Ability to concentrate as well
as make good decisions again.
5. Eating and sleeping well.
6. Can sit through worship without
crying.
7. Can find things to be thankful
for.
8. Can laugh at a joke whole
heartedly.
9. Choose to spend time alone and
enjoy it.
10. Ability to look forward to holidays and
other special occasions.
HOW CAN I TELL IF I AM STUCK IN MY GRIEF?
1.
Perpetual feelings of loneliness and withdrawal from
others
2.
Scared to reach out to others
3.
Depression
4.
Feeling like you are keeping a secret and not
“being real” with yourself or
others
5.
Having outbursts of anger that are inappropriate
6.
Repeated thoughts regarding “unfinished
business”
7.
Others expressing concern about your situation
GET SUPPORT
The single most important factor in healing from loss is
having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable
talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to
express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of
grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others
will help you heal.
Finding support after a loss
- Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on
the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and
self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept
the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but
don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a
shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
- Draw comfort from your faith – Embrace the comfort
mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you
– such as praying, meditating, or going to church – can offer
solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to
a minister or others in your church.
- Join a support group – Grief can feel very
lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others
who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support
group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and
counseling centers.
- Talk to a therapist or grief
counselor –
If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional
with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work
through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN MY GRIEVING IS COMPLETE?
Untitled Poem
I have not offered any outlines to follow –
nor formulas to
work -
nor platitudes
to say to yourself.
There are none –
Grief has no
short cuts. It is lived through.
If you can grasp the normal –
avoid the
pitfalls –
and talk it out
–
Time will do most of the healing.
I said most – not all. For many folks
do not become whole again. They scab over, but never really heal.
They become defeated by life and never seem to want to live again.
Most of these
are victims of the pitfalls we have tried to avoid.
Some of them
just never find the last big step. They wait for healing to happen to
them. They wait for time to take care of it all.
Time does the
most in healing – but there must come a day when each of us must decide
to Live Again –
That day is the
one big difference between those who get well and those who do not.
May you find
this day and let it dawn in your life . . .
Doug Manning
Don’t Take My Grief Away
The ability to say
goodbye and hello